


Hidden In Plain Sight

by buttfulmavinness



Series: No Longer Frightened [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternative route, Depression, Gen, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-02 13:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4062223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttfulmavinness/pseuds/buttfulmavinness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regaining control over himself and upholding a certain level of mental stability is a slow and tiring process. But to be able to truly return to his normal life it's a hardship Kaneki has to overcome. He's been missing from human society for a long time, and the longer the time stretches, the harder it will be to return. He doesn't want to be as ill-prepared as last time he tried to live a human life. Asking Tsukiyama for advice; asking Hide for support, he has better chances at success than before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Are you ever gonna drop the pretentious titles?" I just did. Because fuck it. Alternative would've been 'Infiltration'. I'd like to thank Piggi, for enduring the "I'VE FINISHED" messages I've sent basically every day for the last two weeks.  
> 'if onlY WE COULD MAKE IT TO THE PORN SOMEDAY' -me

They’ve built a peaceful routine in their home: Tsukiyama is graduating, Hide goes to his classes and works part time in the evenings, and Kaneki waits for them during the days, reading through anything and everything he can get his hands on. He has taken up various new genres, and in the process, experienced the pain of both good and bad literature. There are some books he wishes he had never opened, and some he has read through multiple times.

Staying at home is comfortable, but lately he’s starting to notice a growing restlessness. He wants to go out like a normal person, live life like he used to. He misses his university classes, reading outside,  going to movies with Hide to watch ridiculous action filled films with superheroes in colourful spandex suits. Even if his eyes begin to hurt midway from all the explosions, it's fun.

Tsukiyama's used to giving attention to others but he isn't used to being the one receiving it. That is something both Hide and Kaneki have noticed. He shies away from their touches, waves off their heartfelt compliments, but they're both persistent. It takes time, but they keep trying until he doesn't avoid their hands in his hair or their lips on his face. Soon enough he's actually the one initiating contact to receive attention. Kaneki says it reminds him of a dog. Hide argues he's more like a cat.

"I'll miss your kakugan activating on its own. It's an endearing feature," Tsukiyama confesses, brushing a wisp of hair back from Kaneki's forehead above his left eye. Receiving a grunt, he smiles apologetically. Despite Kaneki's more gruff behaviour, at least compared to how he was when they had just met, Tsukiyama still finds him as cute as a button. Not something he'd say out loud, but the thought crosses his mind every once in awhile.

"What emotions do you remember activating it before?" he asks.

"Hunger. Anger," Kaneki replies, swallowing and muttering the last. "Fear."

Tsukiyama feels bad for having to slightly prod at painful memories. It's a necessary evil, though.

"Those are some of the most common ones. For some it differs slightly, but they're mostly the same. Others find controlling it easier, some find it harder. If it's easy for you to stay in control of your emotions, it usually means you have easier control over your eyes."

He takes a small pause, gathering his thoughts, trying to remember what he's been taught. It's been so long and going through it step by step is so much slower than the reflex he's created.

"For me it's like keeping myself from forming a fist when angry. To stop crying when I'm sad. Laughing when I hear something funny, flinching back when I'm swung at, tapping my foot when I'm impatient. But I've heard that for some it feel it's like a yawn, a sneeze or the growling of a stomach, and they don't have much control to stop it. In that case you still know it's coming, you feel it, so you can excuse yourself or hide it."

He hides his eyes, masking it to look like he's simply massaging them.

"It gives you a few seconds to get everything in control, or since it's only one eye, you can act like you got something in it and excuse yourself from the situation. It should feel something close to pulsing or muscle twitches, but it's not immediate so you should have a few seconds to subdue it.

If you need to activate it, on the other hand, concentrate on aggression. Change your stance, your mindset, and you should be good to go. It's easier to activate than deactivate. It's a common sign for aggression, one way to show your power. The other, less subtle one is activating your kagune."

Kaneki runs through the instructions in his head. Biting his lip, he thinks about the meat in the fridge, how he hasn't eaten anything today, how good it'd taste if he bit into it. A groan escapes him as he loses himself to the growing hunger.

A hand on his shoulder and a gentle voice calling his name, and he recalls what he's supposed to do. He pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. There's a definite pull on his left eye, and Kaneki attempts to commit the feeling into his memory, the exact feeling he needs to be wary of. The pull is strong, easy to notice once he has it down. It begins to dissipate quite easy when he concentrates on easing it.

It's a slow method, too slow to be used in public, but Tsukiyama is sure Kaneki gets faster over time. When Kaneki's eye returns to its normal state, Tsukiyama smiles.

"Shall we try again?"

Kaneki's sight is bleary and he's lost his focus. He nods either way.

Everything has been going well so far. Kaneki has begun his infiltration back into the society step by step with Tsukiyama’s help, something he has more experience and knowledge in than Hide does. Hide doesn’t allow it to discourage him, though, keeping his eyes and ears open at work, just in case something pops up. He’s getting used to the place and the people, creating bonds with some of the investigators. He likes the people he works with, and it’s almost like he gets to meet someone new everyday, as he delivers files, documents and the occasional message from person to person.

It's completely by coincidence, that Hide notices the picture up on the wall, amongst all the others. It'd almost be impossible to notice the picture in the middle of all those others, but he's spent so much time staring at the missing person posters to not be able to recognise it immediately. He hands the file to an investigator in the meeting room where they’re going through several people’s backgrounds: people who’ve come up on the radar for being involved in odd situations. He masks his surprise, taking a quick overall glance at what he can see from the doorway and leaves as quickly as he had arrived.

He has two files left, but his fingers are twitching. He tries to act as inconspicuously as possible, but when he enters the lavatory, he almost greets an investigator in his panic.

_Do not behave weirdly._

He enters a stall, checking all the corners for any sort of devices. This is a moment he cannot afford to be careless. He sets the lid down, sitting on it, and his calm crumbles under the new information.

" _Fuck_."

"Then I'm in danger?"

Hide has his chin resting on his hands, staring emptily in front of himself. Tsukiyama waves his hand in the air, dismissing the notion.

"Of course not, Kaneki-kun. If they ask for a certificate for your RC-levels, I know clinics that we can turn to. Problem solved."

"That won't work," Hide says. His face is grim, and it's scaring Kaneki. He's never seen his friend so hopeless. Even during the early days of his recovery he had held some hope in his eyes.

"It won't? Tell me, why wouldn’t it?" Tsukiyama asks skeptically.

Tsukiyama's question raises a groan from him, as his frustration peaks. He rubs his face, trying to think a way out of their situation.

"It won't, because the CCG has secretly certified clinics which test results they approve of. Any other one is as good as nothing, or even worse, they might suspect you even more because of it."

Kaneki's heart drops at Hide's words. Now he understands why Hide thinks their situation is hopeless. He still has to admire his ability to have found out something like that.

"How do you know all this, Hide? It couldn't've been easy come up with this sort of information."

"I've never heard of this. What is your source, Hide-kun? Is it trustworthy?"

They watch as Hide's body goes rigid and his face turns from hopeless to pleading.

"Please, don't ask me that."

"Hide?" Kaneki grows worried and he frowns. "Why are you saying that?"

Hide groans and hides his face behind his arms. Tsukiyama grows alarmed at his behaviour.

"Hide-kun. Please tell us where you've heard this information."

"Please don't get mad."

"Hide." Kaneki's tone of voice is warning.

"I... Fuck, I heard it. At the CCG headquarters."

Tsukiyama straightens his back. His voice is cold, when he demands:

"What were you doing there? Answer me honestly."

"I work there," Hide confesses, ready to throw himself into the upcoming shitstrom just to get it over with. _They would've found out anyway_ , he tries to reason, but it ends up being half-assed. He could’ve hidden it if he hadn’t had such an idiotic need to be truthful.

Kaneki has problems processing the revelation, but Tsukiyama is quick to jump to action, being taught from the day he learned to speak to avoid anyone that has to do with CCG. He jumps up, grabbing Kaneki to hide him behind his back. He snarls at Hide who keeps sitting down, avoiding his eyes.

"You work for CCG? Incroyable, you cockroach! A dirty liar, that's all you are. And to think I trusted you.” He cracks up. When his laughter dies down, his words are weak and frantic. “Je ne veux pas mourir... "

Tsukiyama bends down a bit, heaving like he’s run a thousand miles. Behind him, Kaneki watches the dust particles float in the sunlight. He cannot think. Everything’s all jumbled up.

_Does this mean… Hide betrayed me?_

When Kaneki thinks about it later, when his mind is clear, his and Hide's situations are similar in some ways. Even after he became a ghoul, although unwillingly, he still wanted to keep in contact with humans, despite being their enemy. He wanted them to accept him, to understand him. Hide had told him how he had become one of CCG's employees. Tsukiyama had refused to listen, leaving the apartment immediately.

After listening to his explanation, Kaneki had wanted to punch Hide, for saying it was for him. He hadn't asked that, but he still feels grateful for Hide to have tried to protect him in his own way.

Betrayal isn't something he considers it as, but Tsukiyama keeps avoiding Hide as if he'd have a quinque stabbing him in the back. His fear is partly rational, that much Kaneki understands, but he had expected Tsukiyama to be ready to understand Hide's decision after the initial shock. The deep rooted fear of CCG and anyone affiliated with it holds strong, and Kaneki isn't able to erase it with just words. He tries to make Tsukiyama see, but Tsukiyama pushes back, warning Kaneki that they both could've already been exposed.

"The doves could be on their way at this very minute, and we're here like sitting ducks. Even if he hasn't, he could in the future. It's easy to break under the pressure when they're interrogating you, and they could easily offer him help in case we tried to get revenge. We are at a very bad disadvantage here, Kaneki-kun."

He groans. He trusts Hide with his life; he's always trusted Hide with his life. Why can't Tsukiyama understand that?

Hide has taken up on avoiding Tsukiyama out of courtesy, as he tries to avoid sparking anything in the highly flammable situation. Tsukiyama sees it as secretive behaviour and it fuels his paranoia. Everything about this problem makes Kaneki want to scream at the heavens.

The old apartment is... Dusty. They're not sure what they expected when they arrived, but dusty is something they probably should've expected, all things considered. They’ve come to retrieve Kaneki’s belongings to move him all the way to the new apartment. Hide’s still acting jumpy around both of them, but when Kaneki explains that he understand Hide’s reasoning, he returns to normal, at least around him.

Hide steps over the pile of mail spread on the floor. Kaneki bangs his head on the doorframe in sudden realisation.

"I cannot imagine what I'd do if I hadn't paid the rent in advance for the whole year just to get that discount."

"Blessed be the student apartments," agrees Hide before taking a hold of his nose and holding his breath as he dives for the half-filled trash bag. He closes it as fast as he can with one hand before throwing it out the door over Kaneki's head. He misses Kaneki's half-hearted glare when he takes out a new bag for the two dead potted plants Kaneki has on his window sill. They're completely dried up and their leaves crumble when Hide pulls them up by the stems.

Kaneki trails to his bookshelf without much thought. All his books are in place. With a monthly rent, the landlord would've had to either store his belongings or sell them. The latter seems like the more viable option in the landlord's case. Outcomes depend on the tiniest of things.

Moving all his belongings to the boxes takes its time. They often get stuck on nostalgic trinkets, or when Kaneki is simply leafing through his books and without meaning to, starts reading them from the middle. Hide keeps his other eye on Kaneki as he folds his clothes, but Kaneki still manages to get sucked into them every few minutes. After eight times of having to wake Kaneki up, Hide takes over packing the books with a huff, shooing Kaneki to take care of the kitchen.

They spend a lot more time by themselves, as Tsukiyama still has a hard time understanding Hide’s reasoning for joining the CCG, not even speaking about trusting him. Kaneki notices how Hide's trying to make everything up to him by being as supportive as possible. Even when he told him he was going to go ask for a repeat year, Hide had immediately offered to join him.

Now, behind the door of the faculty member’s office, he thanks himself for allowing Hide to come. Nothing else could calm down his jitters as well as Hide’s warm hand on his shoulder.

"I'll wait outside," Hide says with an encouraging push to Kaneki's back. Kaneki sighs, following the faculty member to the office.

"Kaneki... Ken, was it? Yes, you were announced missing five months back..." the woman goes over the information, voice flat. "And now you've returned."

"Yes, ma'am."

"How can I help you?" she inquires, despite having read his email. Unless she hadn't and had simply given him a time to meet. He wouldn't put it past her, she didn't seem very interested in reading through tens of student emails a day, not to mention writing every single one a well-formed answer.

"I'd like to ask if I could retake the year."

She sits down, shuffles the paper in, which he assumes to be, his file, sighs and looks back up to him.

"That is indeed an option... But you must understand that despite being a good student we cannot keep giving you leeway like this. There are requirements you must meet, you need to do your own share. You simply cannot expect our university to adapt to your every whim."

He stares at her, mouth slightly ajar. He cannot find the words. This is not what he expected when he had asked to repeat a year.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"I'll be discussing with your professor before making the decision, see if she has anything to say about the matter. Then there's the paperwork you'll have to fill out with the student counselors. Try to be quick about it, you wouldn't want to miss the deadline and give them more work to do, as they have plenty with the graduating and new students."

"Excuse me, but I do not think-."

She sighs loudly, again. He cannot bring himself to interrupt her louder.

"I do understand you might have had a hard time after that unfortunate accident, but it's been five months now, you need to move forward. You can find the required forms on the webpage of the university.

I'm sorry, but I have another meeting with a student and need to cut this one short. Next time, please make your appointment in time," she finishes her monologuing as she stands up again, opening the door for him and greeting the next student coming in.

Kaneki feels weak in a way he cannot explain as he steps out of the office. Hide looks up at him and comes over when Kaneki doesn't move away from the door.

"What's wrong?"

Kaneki's breathing is shallow and shuddering. He leans his forehead against Hide's shoulder, desperately trying to will the burning in his eyes away.

"I’m a nuisance to society," he laughs, voice thick with misery.

Few hours later they're sitting on the couch. Hide keeps flipping through the channels while Kaneki keeps leaning his head on his shoulder.

"I didn't even get to ask about the extra time. I'll ask the professor, she will be the one giving it to me anyway."

"You might need to get a psychiatric evaluation for that," Hide quips in, a bit unsure how Kaneki feels about that. Not very open, by the way Kaneki curls into himself, bringing his legs up on the cushions, knees to his chin. Hide feels him wiggle his toes under his thighs. His feet are cold again.

"I don't know if I’m ready for an evaluation on how fucked up I am."

Hide slows down on channel surfing, placing the remote down next to him. He'll not deny Kaneki's fucked up. Not at all.

"I know," he comforts him. "But after you get the proper diagnosis, it might be easier to work on. I'm not saying you need to start popping pills, or get locked in at an asylum… But maybe getting professional help, you know, actual educated people, is better than scraping by with what you've got."

"Except I don’t have to scrape by... I've got you and Tsukiyama-san.”

"Kaneki, we'll support you to the end of the world, you know that. But we do not have the tools to help you get better or even cured if it's a possibility."

Kaneki groans. He knows. He looks up at Hide, at his concerned expression, one he’s been wearing way more often lately. It'd be nice to see him not having to worry over him like that. His knees drop down, one leg sliding between Hide's thighs.

"Thanks, Hide."

He wraps one arm over his waist, the other holding onto Hide's arm.

"For always being here for me."

"Of course. But you've got to work out a story, explaining your absence. 'As few lies as possible, so you have less to remember'. I heard that on TV once, you know."

Before he can stop it, a snort breaks the atmosphere.

"Of course you did."

It takes nearly a week for Tsukiyama to be persuaded into being alone with Hide. Hide explains his reasoning once and leaves the rest for Tsukiyama to decide. Despite everything in him screaming to either run away or kill him, Tsukiyama begrudgingly agrees with Hide, that for Kaneki, they’d both go to such extremities. Trusting Hide is painful, but Tsukiyama realises how much it means to Hide, when he loses the aggression from his behaviour.

They go out shopping, and when they come back, Tsukiyama brings in multiple shopping bags of human food with Hide’s help. Kaneki waits by the kitchen table, as they unload it all, grimacing at the sight. The contents of the bags range from a variation of vegetables to noodle cups to expensive looking glass jars to plain uncooked rice. Tsukiyama lays the items on the table, allowing Hide to take care of the cooking. Kaneki remembers Hide's less than impressive attempts at making cup ramen more edible, but the taste doesn't matter that much anymore. At least not to him. And Tsukiyama has enough money to buy a new extractor hood if need be. Or two.

Tsukiyama opens a few bags of snacks and chops a few slices of different vegetables.

"Take a bite, Kaneki-kun. And when you're done, arrange them to your order of your liking."

Kaneki's confused.

"But... Why? It's human food, I can't eat it."

"You can. You just don't want to. If you know what is hardest for you to eat, you can avoid it. Eat foods you have find less disgusting. All part of making this easier for you."

Tsukiyama pushes a bag of biscuits towards him before taking out several glasses, filling them with different liquids. Lastly, he places a mirror in the middle of the table, facing Kaneki. He looks at his own reflection, at the black roots coming up from the top of his head. The sight reminds him of Hide and his several years of lazy hair colouring.

He takes a half-crumbled biscuit and bites into it. It's like chewing on sand. He wants to spit it out, but Tsukiyama comes over to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Look at yourself when you're eating. Try to act like it tastes good. I'm sure you know the 'swallow first, chew second' method, so try to hone that. And try not to throw up, I need to teach you how to do it quietly.”

Without meaning to, Kaneki pushes a bowl over the edge of the table as he hacks. The noise alerts Tsukiyama, who’s left to finish the last of his thesis. He hears him call out to him, sounding concerned.

“I’m-,” he takes in a deep breath, “- fine. I’m fine.”

“Kaneki-kun, please, let me help you purge” Tsukiyama kneels before him. They’ve done it several times that evening, and Tsukiyama had left with the assumption Kaneki’d do it on his own. Kaneki feels childish, like he’s about to get scolded. He holds up a hand, silencing Tsukiyama before he has the chance to continue.

“I’m. Fine.”

Tsukiyama looks at him with pained eyes, while Kaneki looks at all the food left on the table. He hasn’t even gone through half of it. Tsukiyama reaches out a hand towards him, but he slaps it away.

“You don’t need to do this in one go, Kaneki-kun, you can take your time-.”

“I’ve wasted enough time as it is already!”

Kaneki, going for another attempt, stands back up and reaches out towards the plate with sliced vegetables. He notices his hand shaking uncontrollably, but ignores it, grabbing a piece of cucumber. They’ve tasted like nothing to him before. They shouldn’t be that bad.

Before he even has the chance to open his mouth, he doubles over, desperately trying to swallow down the bile burning his throat. Tsukiyama calls out to him, panicked, over and over.

He keeps his lips sealed shut, but the vomit simply finds its way out through his nostrils, blocking his air, forcing him to open his mouth. All the gross, half-chewed human food splashes on the floor.

He howls in frustration as he drops on his knees, banging his forehead against the floor. Tsukiyama sounds almost hysterical as he pulls on his shoulders, restricting his movements.

“I hate this. Why does it have to taste so disgusting now? Why did I-.” A hiccup breaks his sentence. He doesn’t finish it, crying into Tsukiyama’s shoulder as the man holds him close.

He notices Tsukiyama’s body is trembling occasionally. He waits, checking if it was just his imagination, but the jerking motion returns in a few seconds. He takes his time for himself to calm down before he calls out:

“Tsukiyama-san?”

A small whimper near his ear startles him. He reaches out a hand and places his palm against the middle of Tsukiyama’s back. “Tsukiyama-san?”

A loud sniffle and Tsukiyama draws back, eyes puffy from tears. Kaneki’s too astonished to even think about what he must look like, considering he vomited not minutes ago. He’s never seen Tsukiyama cry, not like this.

“Please,” Tsukiyama’s voice is low and agonised. “You need to stop forcing yourself. Don’t eat anymore than you feel comfortable. Don’t try to keep it in. And for the love of god, don’t ever hurt yourself like that! If you need to harm someone I’d rather have it be me. Promise me you’ll never do that again.”

Kaneki watches the tears drip down Tsukiyama’s cheeks. His chest constricts painfully. He knows those words, knows them too well for comfort. He’s never thought of someone else thinking the same way as he does.

He chokes down the tears.

“I promise,” he croaks, cursing his foolishness.

The university is bustling at the beginning of the semester. Hide remembers the butterflies he had in his stomach on his first day: it had been so bad that he hadn't been able to eat breakfast, and being someone who ate great amounts in the morning, it had affected his mood quite bad. The next day he had apologised to his new classmates for his stomach's and his own grumbling.

Kaneki grabs onto his sleeve, shoulders shaking violently. Hide immediately takes his hand, holding onto it as he murmurs to him:

"I'm right here. We'll go inside, find your classroom and find ourselves a seat. Did you have classes in that classroom before?"

"No, but it was right next to one."

"So you know the way?"

"Yeah." Kaneki takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a second, slowly releases the air out of his lungs, and opens his eyes. "Yeah, I do."

Hide's ready to let go of his hand, but Kaneki holds onto his with a steady grip. For Kaneki, being seen holding hands with Hide and attracting curious stares is miniscule irritation compared to having nothing to hold onto as he desperately tries his best to force his way back into his old life.

_I guess it's not really my old life. Not that I’d truly want to go back to it._

Hide chooses seats near the end of the rows, just in case Kaneki begins to feel unwell and has to leave. They sit down, getting Kaneki's pens and papers ready for the first lecture of the year. Hide tries to keep himself calm but he cannot help but feel a bit nervous for Kaneki. He really hopes he'll manage to make new friends, get used to studying again, all while recovering and looking to him and Tsukiyama for support.

As if sensing his fretting, Kaneki leans his head against his shoulder. The questioning tone when Kaneki calls his name confirms it. He must have been very obvious if even Kaneki had noticed. He sighs in defeat.

"The professor's here," Kaneki whispers, straightening his posture and giving Hide's knee a comforting pat.

Kaneki enters through the glass doors into the lobby. Hide had wanted to join him, but making him escort him to the CCG like that would've seemed more suspicious than him arriving alone.

The letter had invited him to a small interview about his sudden disappearance. 'A standard procedure' it was called, but with obvious intention to determine whether or not he's a ghoul.

Hide had warned him about the gate, but he had told him about the time he had entered through it when he had gone with Touka to give false information. The gate hadn't reacted, and if they are using it this time to determine whether or not he is a danger, instead of the RC-cell test, he has a chance. It could've been a malfunction, Hide had commented, unnaturally pessimistic. Kaneki had asked him for any better ideas to clear his name, but this is the only thing any of them are willing to bet on.

He joins the queue, heart beating rapidly as he gets closer. He has no escape plan if the gate does react. The person in front of him goes through. He has no time to think before he steps through.

Nothing happens. He walks further in, clenching the letter in his hand. A guest tag is handed over to him by an employee. The investigator, something closer to an office worker than a detective, is waiting for him outside the meeting room, waving him over. He exchanges pleasantries without thought, still caught up on how the gate hadn't beeped.

"We'd like to ask you a few questions about the time you went missing for a month, was it? Forty days. We would've asked you to come in earlier but unfortunately we had problems taking contact."

"Yes, I moved in with a... Friend, and forgot to inform anyone about it."

"Ah, I see. Is that the reason you went missing as well? It's not very common for people to just forget to tell anyone and leave them hanging missing posters."

Kaneki shakes his head. _Stick to the truth if possible._

"No, after my accident on the construction site I ran into some personal issues. I began to work in a cafe to regain control over my life. Unfortunately I ended up drifting from my old life too much... And my mental health suffered. I ran away from everything and got involved with some bad people by accident."

He tries to shut the part of his memory that Yamori is plaguing. He doesn't want to think of that man ever, ever again.

"Fortunately some of my new friends found me and brought me back to my senses. Or at least partly. I had seen and experienced things beyond my capability to handle mentally, and I tried to run away again. A friend of mine stopped me and offered help. I felt tired of running so I accepted it. That is when truly I came back."

"And these things you saw and experienced?"

"I... Would rather not talk about them. Sorry. It took me a lot of time to let go of the fear that held me. I still haven't recovered and am looking for professional help."

He wonders if his answers are sounding too practiced and calculated. The investigator taps the pen against the clipboard, looking distracted. A single glance towards the clock and the dove closes his file, wrapping things up. A higher ranked investigator would've been suspicious, Kaneki is sure, but they're needed in more important jobs than simple checks ups on odd cases. They're putting their trust in the gate.

They exchange another set of pleasantries as they part ways, and when Kaneki closes the door behind him, he sighs deep, relief flowing through his veins. The gate still causes him some unnerve, but yet again he passes through without any problems.

A gentle tap on his shoulder has his adrenaline spiking, but when he turns the employee that was handing out the tags simply asks him to return it before leaving. Kaneki laughs in embarrassment, handing the plastic slip over.

The sun is shining bright outside, and Kaneki feels good about everything, for once.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly speaking, this was a bitch to write. It came to me harder than Lest I Rue, and it probably showed. About five pages worth got deleted, because it wasn't in any way relevant, although TV cook Tsukiyama and his 'Ghoul-friendly Lunch Box' was a great idea. Maybe one day.  
> Personal tumblr: buttfultsukineki  
> writing tumblr: prettywordsforprettybirds


	2. 2.5.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rift has appeared, and as they try to fix by preferred methods, they're all just making it worse. Once Hide realises his own mistakes, all that is left is to make them up to the people he's hurt. Kaneki is easy to reach, but his wounds have healed wrong. Tsukiyama has been scared off by the threat of CCG, and finding him in the first place is harder than Hide would like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a long time coming. And I’m honestly sorry it took so long. Real life is unpredictable, and so are your supposed old best friends. And parents. Casually chipping away at your confidence and motivation to write, one jab at a time. Another reason this is late, was because I figured out the problem after updating part 2 and had absolutely no idea how to solve it! I couldn’t just have porn thrown out there with such a big drift between these boys.   
> I got halfway with this and then saw this ‘extra’ was already at 5k, so I decided to cut it. You lovelies really deserve some substance after getting duped by me and my ideas so many times. Although to me the quality is a bit questionable, Piggi said it was good to go. I took some liberties while writing this, and if in the future the canon contradicts what I’ve written, then ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Next is a double update with both the last part and the porn. I need to get it out of my Google Drive. Pissin’ me off.

Hide's involvement with the CCG is one of the biggest, most frustrating issues Tsukiyama has ever had to deal with. It hurts when he thinks about it. He's scared and he can only think of it simply as betrayal. But no matter how much it hurts to have been toyed with, letting down his mother, his father, and the care and advice they've given him, feels far, far worse.

_I should've realised. I should've been more careful. I should've left._

A ghoul can't trust a human. They must blend in with them, make connections with them, act like them.... But never trust them. Never care about them.

_"Shuu, listen. You can't become friends with humans. If you become friends with humans, you’ll begin to care about them... and when you care about something, it makes you vulnerable. You cannot love a human. Never, ever fall in love with a human. It's better to keep them at a distance, than be betrayed later on."_

It's been so long since they've been home, but he can't look neither his mother nor his father in the eye. He's let them down. Every single family member. He avoids them out of the nagging guilt. He doesn’t leave his room, walking in circles until his feet hurt almost as much as his heart. He crawls into his luxuriously soft bed, which is too large for him, too vast to feel comfortable in. The emptiness adds to his anxiety. He howls into the pillows, begging his parents to forgive him, even if they're too far to hear.

"Father, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to. I never meant to!"

It's better if they don't hear, his sins are too heavy for him to admit to anyone else but the walls.

"I got cocky, just because Hori ended up being safe. I was a fool, to think I'd always be in luck. I trusted him, because of Kaneki-kun, because I believed he wouldn't betray his friend."

His words echo throughout the room. He hates it. He hates how loud every single breath, every single heartbeat is so loud in here. He hates it when the noises bounce back, repeating his words.

"I should've believed your words, mother. I should've stayed away. Forgive me, please forgive me, please... Please..."

The fabric underneath his cheek is getting damp.

"Mo-"

A sob breaks through, as it dawns on him, that not only he is in danger. Everyone related to him. His family, his... Friends. Everyone he's known to be an acquaintance with. He's scared out of his wits. To him, to everyone he’s ever known, death is inevitable.

"I don- I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die. Mother. I don't-"

He can't breathe. Nails claw against his throat. He needs air.

"Mother... Help. Please, help me. Mother. Mother. Mommy. I can't-. I don't want to-"

The noises are getting louder, there's thumping all around him. It's so loud he thinks he's going deaf. Footsteps? They're... They're already here? There must be so many.

There are shouts. So many shouts, they're so loud and they sound scary, they won't stop.

They're here, they're already here, and he couldn't do anything to protect his family. They're dead, all of them, every single one. Now they're coming for him, they'll kill him, they'll torture him until he's seeing black and turn him into a quinque.

He doesn't look up, he doesn't want to see their faces, they're so loud, and their footsteps are so heavy. He presses his face against the mattress, cutting off the last of his air. He's going to die.

 

Hide leans back in his chair. There isn't much to do, not before the after-lunch rush when all the investigators open new cases to work on. Being left with no work to do leaves him bored, and with boredom he begins to think.

_Tsukiyama._

He drums the edge of the table with his fingers in a nervous tune.

He truly regrets letting him down like that. He had hoped- he had _assumed_ Tsukiyama to be the same as Kaneki, always open to him, ready to trust him in anything. But Tsukiyama is his own person, he isn’t the same as Kaneki.

His toes wiggle inside his shoe, adding to the strained song his body is performing. The force is making the bottom of his shoe occasionally hit the floor. It’s doing nothing to calm him down, only agitating him further with its irregularity.

He thinks how Tsukiyama had looked back then, the fear and pain on his gorgeous face. It was obvious, in hindsight, that he’d be scared senseless of anything and anyone associated with CCG.

_Commission of Counter Ghoul. Counter. Ghoul. Counter, as in non-friendly._

He leans his head back, hoping it would bang against something, but the wall is too far away.

“How can I be this dense?”

There is an unpleasant burning in his chest.

_I never even apologised. I should’ve. I should’ve when I-. I’m still going to see him, right? It’s been so long. I… I have no idea where he is or what his condition is like. Is he okay?_

Adrenaline bursts through his veins. He pats his pants’ pockets in a frenzy. His hands are shaking and it’s hard to press the buttons on his phone. The toots of the call seem endless, and each new chips away at his hope.

“This is-”

_Please, not the-_

“-Tsukiyama Shuu’s voicemail.”

There are no words that could describe the emptiness he feels. Nothing.

Maybe he’s still avoiding him. Or maybe he wasn’t available at that moment. He cannot answer calls during work, which leaves him in a tough spot if he gets a call back. Tsukiyama’s pretty non-receptive towards him, but Kaneki might be able to reach him.

He sends a text, asking Kaneki to try calling Tsukiyama. Even if they don’t succeed at contacting him, at least they’ve tried. He needs to go back to work.

 

“Hey,” he says, surprised to see Kaneki standing at the front door. Kaneki’s posture is relaxed, but his face has worry written in the lines between his brows.

“I couldn’t get through. I left a voicemail, but he never answered. Do you think something’s wrong?”

Hide taps his toes against the doorstep.

“Will ya let me in first?”

Kaneki sighs and steps out of the doorframe. Hide enters, takes off his shoes and makes a beeline for the sofa. His face hits the cushions dead on.

“Goddammit, Hide,” Kaneki utters, more frustrated than angry. He sits next to the unresponsive body, which is suffocating itself between the pillows. He places his elbow on his knee, while his palm holds his chin on top of it, allowing him to comfortably stare holes into the back of Hide’s head.

They don’t say a word in a long while. Minutes go by and as he leans backwards, Kaneki finds himself sliding lower and lower on the sofa, until he’s practically laying on top of Hide’s back.

“It’s been a while since you’ve come home this early.”

He’s given no response.

“Are you avoiding me too, Hide?”

Hide’s whine is low and long. Kaneki wants to pull his hair out.

“You ass! You need to learn to trust me more. Hide, look at me.” Hide pushes his face harder against the cushions. Kaneki snakes his arms around Hide’s midsection, pulling on him, failing miserably from the position he is in. His hold loosens up, as he gives in, and he nuzzles his face against the back of Hide’s shirt for comfort.

“Fine. Don’t. But you have to talk to me. Don’t avoid me. Wasn’t it you, who said rabbits die when they get lonely?”

He had thought it was something urgent, but Hide’s too lax for it to require him to stay alert. Waiting patiently for Hide to fess up what is in his mind, is enough for him. But it is weird, how all of a sudden Hide had become worried over Tsukiyama. He had been avoiding the topic, even avoiding the person in question, when he had still been there.

“I fucked up,” a low grumble announces from the depths.

“Yep. I know.”

Hide turns his head to be able to speak better.

“That’s not what I mean. I mean, it is but-. I got so stuck on defending my actions, that I never even apologised. To you or to him. I really fucked up. The rabbits… They do die. Sorry. I’m so used to treating you and Tsukiyama the same that I just end up hurting you both. I should’ve been there for you.”

Kaneki’s eyebrows arch as he stares at Hide. He hadn’t even thought of it that way.

“I turned a blind eye to both of your needs. Did you see him the last time he was here? He had these huge eyebags and he… Shit, I thought it was fine, but really, he isn’t any different from four months ago, is he? And you… You’ve been holed up here this whole time alone. I abandoned you here, making an excuse out of work to treat you both equally. A fucked up sense of equality.”

All the air in his lungs escapes and none of it is replaced. He had tried to convince himself he was being too needy, when he felt loneliness. He had Hide come home every night, even if it was just to sleep and go back to work again. He had thought that should’ve been enough.

“I... “ Kaneki begins. He clears his throat, trying to work through the lump blocking his air. “You’re right. You did turn your back on me.”

Hide snorts pathetically. It sounds even worse, when he hears Kaneki say it.

“But I forgive you. I accept your apology and forgive you. And it’s not like I’m entirely not to blame for what happened with Tsukiyama-san either.” Hide doesn’t deny it. His hand reaches out to grab Kaneki’s, gripping it tight for a moment.

“Thank you, Kaneki. Besides, I’m always glad to have company when making soul-crushing mistakes. I wanna make this all up to you…”

“...If you ask me, you have the rest of your life left to do it.” Hide smiles shortly at his words. He shifts, and Kaneki moves to sit back up again, soon followed by Hide on his side. Hide leans in, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

“Sounds perfect to me.”

Kaneki blinks the sudden flow of tears from his eyes, and he hides his face in the crook of Hide’s neck. His arms wrap around his shoulder, holding the tightest he dares.

“I missed you,” he mutters with a wavering voice into Hide’s skin, allowing his lips to barely brush against it. Hide turns his head, pecking Kaneki’s temple and the corner of his eye.

“I missed you too.”

He places his palms against Kaneki’s back, rubbing them up and down. Slowly Kaneki’s body begins to relax beneath them, and his breathing seems to ease. The arms around his shoulders slip down, and a hand places itself on his knee. Hide pulls away enough to look at Kaneki in the eye as he takes a hold onto the hand again. A short moment of happiness had been refreshening, but a big problem was still casting a large shadow over them.

“I’m worried, Kaneki. I haven’t seen him in so long...” Kaneki looks at their interlocked hands thoughtfully.

“Four days.”

“Huh?” Hide sounds.

“Four days. That’s when he came by last.”

“What?” Hide’s voice is panicked. His grip tightens as his voice gets louder. “I thought you had seen him after that!”

Kaneki shakes his head. Actually counting the days makes his stomach knot in many painful ways.

“I have to find him. I have to apologise,” Hide mutters to himself. “Do you have any idea where he is?”

“Not really? Home?”

“We don’t even know where he lives, do we?” Hide asks.

“No… But Tsukiyama-san mentioned that he had admired Touka-chan’s strength before. Maybe she was offered and invitation?”

 

If there’s one thing Touka hates, it’s meeting people she’s already let go of. Her asshole of a little brother had been kind enough to show his face to her after disappearing for a while. For a while being several years. It had been a pain, letting him go in the first place, and the second time hadn’t been any easier.

Seeing the familiar face with the just as familiar awkward smile is enough for her to grip the glass in her hand hard enough for it to crack. Her anger always flares up whenever she experiences pain. It’s so much easier to hurt than be hurt.

“Fuck off,” she blurts before they even have the chance to say anything. Kaneki promptly shuts his mouth, which she is grateful for, because she cannot deal with him right now. His friend, Hide, the loud one with an open smile on his face every five seconds, doesn’t hear or doesn’t care about her hostility. He greets her, and even if it’s much more mellow than she had expected, it still pisses her off.

“Good afternoon. Are there any tables available?” We’d like to talk with you, if that’s okay.”

Kaneki is trying to slip away, a wise decision on his part, but his friend is quick to take a hold on his forearm.

She doesn’t want to go through this, not today, not ever. Goodbyes might be awful, but having to greet after them is much more worse.

“You are not welcome here.” She stares at Kaneki, who’s subtly trying to pull his arm from Hide’s grip. He instinctively avoids looking at her. Hide’s smile vanishes for a second, as he pleads:

“Please. It’s… It’s important.”

She blinks, and the smile is back on his face. Was it just her imagination? The face she saw has left a creeping feeling along her spine, and though the thought of it makes her sneer, she nods towards the back tables of the cafe. There are still a few vacant.

Hide nods his head to her and pulls Kaneki along with him.

She caters to every other customer's’ needs before even looking their way. Every order, every refill, every payment and cleaning of a table; she even takes extra time to set the dishes so that they’re easier to take care of, but eventually she runs out of things to do. She stares at her hands, considering just slipping through the backdoor.

_At least that shitstain looked half as upset, as I feel._

Stopping by for a quick recap on his life had done nothing to heal the scars he had left. Hinami had put on a brave face, believing that he’d come back to them, eventually, but as the weeks turned to months, the glint in her eye had dulled. She knew Hinami didn’t want Touka to blame him, but Hinami couldn’t stop her. Kaneki had been fully aware of his actions, Hinami knew that.

Trying to forgive him for hurting her, maybe it would’ve been something she could’ve done over time. Hinami was where she drew the line. She wouldn’t let him hurt her again, not when she was finally beginning to fit into the human world and building her own life with the people who _truly_ cared about her.

_I don’t wanna go. I hate his stupid face._

A gentle nudge to her side wakes her up from her trance. Irimi looks at her, then at the table in the back and raises her eyebrows in a silent question. Touka grips the edge of the table to calm herself down.

“I know. They wanted to talk to me. Pieces of shit.”

“Oh? So you’re on speaking terms?”

“Hell no,” she snarls, glaring at the faraway table. They’re sitting side by side, mumbling about something to each other. How _dare_ he try to talk to her after shutting her off like that. How dare he show his face to her after leaving them without so much as a goodbye, mere seconds after they had finally found him in the hands of the Aogiri. _How dare he hurt my little brother._ The thought crosses her mind, before she even realises what it is. The only one allowed to hurt him is her, and she will, bad, when she sees him next. But the revenge for Ayato leaving her is not something Kaneki has the right to take upon himself.

She pushes away the painful memory of her brother’s broken body, just as she pushes herself away from the table and past Irimi. She wants them gone, immediately. Kaneki has no place there. He has chosen his side, and now he is against her. She stomps to their table, seething with rage.

“Plan C,” she hears Hide say as she reaches their side. Kaneki sends him a pleading look, but it’s too late, and he bows his head to her, still avoiding her eyes.

“Please tell us where Tsukiyama-san lives!” He asks her, tone desperate and voice too loud for the cafe’s atmosphere. Not that she cares; she might do something that attracts more attention, anyway.

She clicks her tongue in disdain. They’ve come to her for that disgusting waste of space’s address? _The nerve._ Scum always gravitates towards scum.

“Why do you even think I know that?” she looks towards Hide as she inquires. She refuses to talk to Kaneki under any circumstances.

“I heard that you’ve been there, once, when you were younger. With your brother?”

_Ah, that living, babbling carcass._

“And I should go out of my way to try and find that age old address because… What? Shitstains want to go see their shitstain friend?”

“Touka-chan-.” Kaneki sounds pathetic calling out to her. She slams her fist on the table as she cuts him off immediately:

“Shut your fucking mouth. You have no right to talk to me. You’ve asked what you wanted, and I refuse. Get out.”

People are turning their heads towards her. From the corner of her eye she can see Irimi making her way to them.

“Kirishima-san-.”

“That includes you too, Nagachika. I’m done here.” She turns her back to them, and is about to begin walking when a hand grabs her arm.

“Please. If you know the address, tell us. If not for him, then for me.”

She wants to laugh.

“For you? Why in everloving fuck would I do something for you?”

He lowers his voice, pulling on her hand to get her closer to him:

“Because I have connections with the CCG.”

She immediately tenses up. Is he a dove? Is he going to exterminate her?

“I’m not threatening you. I am saying I have access to a lot of files. Papers go missing when they’re transported, you know? Or maybe there’s someone you’d want more information about. Didn’t you have a brother? I heard you had lost touch with him.”

If she was ready to explode a few minutes ago, she’s a nuclear bomb on a ten second timer now.

“You-.” Hide cuts her off.

“All I want is that address. After that, we’ll be gone, and if you ever need something, I’ll owe you a favour.”

She wants to refuse, but having a mole inside CCG? Someone willing to make any file disappear, current or future? The last seen location of her brother? She’s feeling dizzy. She could completely erase the Fueguchi file. Hinami could live a completely normal life.

“I…”

Like he’s sensed her caving in, Hide lets go of her arm, flashing her a thankful smile.

“I knew I could count on you, Kirishima-san! You can call this number when you’ve found it and when you need that favour.”

She holds the card placed in her hands, staring at it blankly. She’s left standing there in silence, her mind working in overdrive to figure what she is supposed to do. Irimi’s hand on her shoulder is warm and comforting, and she leans against it, exhausted beyond belief.

A favour.

 

‘Two knocks. One. Two. Wait five seconds. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Call out.’

"Shuu-sama?" His voice cracks once. Thankfully no one can see his embarrassed grimace.

‘Knock again. One. Two. Inform of entrance.’

"I'll be coming in." This time his voice doesn't crack.

‘Open the door, slowly but all the way. Excuse yourself.’

"Pardon me."

It's dark. The noises the staff had been rumouring about aren't there. Only empty, silent space all around him.

‘Close the door when you enter. Don't slam it. Call out again.’

"Shuu-sama?"

Absolutely nothing. _This is getting annoying._ He’s performed perfectly, and for what?

"Shuu-sama, I heard you haven't left your room today either. Are you in here?"

The bed creaks as something shifts on it. _So he is here._ Excitement bubbles in him. Maybe he made a good impression. He’s practiced for a long time, and his master always praises him when he has honed a skill.

"Shuu-sama, excuse my intrusion, but your parents wanted to know if you'd join them for dinner downstairs."

Yet again, he's given no answer. He's tempted to poke at the foot in front of him, but restrains himself as that is neither noble, nor professional.

His master remains unresponsive, even as he gets closer. He smells, no, _reeks_ of dry sweat and tears. It's not something he had thought he'd experience again; his master is always clean, always composed, always groomed from his tips of his toes to his fingernails. But now he’s found him a shabby state a second time in the span of a week, and it's worrying him beyond belief.

"Shuu-sama?" He's lost the little control he had over his voice. This is bad. He doesn't know what to do. He's still alive, he moved after all. Is he harmed? There is no smell of blood and he sees no external wounds. Hungry? He wouldn't let himself get into such a state, he has no reason to put off eating.

He reaches out a hand to touch his master's shoulder.

"Shuu-sama..?"

"Nn..."

It takes only a second for him to figure out where the noises had come from, as his master lets out the most blood-curdling scream he's ever heard. It's so loud, and it’s piercing through his ears. He freezes, shiver running up his spine and leaving goosebumps in its wake.

His master keeps screaming, sobs breaking through every few seconds. His fists clench on the sheets, tearing through them, pulling on them like he'll fall off if he doesn't. Words begin to form amongst the agonised screams:

"I- 'm sor-... -ry. Sor-. I'm-. -ry, I'm-"

"Shuu-sama?" His voice is cracking worse than ever, and he'd be flustered if it were another situation.

"I'm-. Ka-. I-. S-, I-," his screams stop and he looks up at him with wide, frightened, bleary eyes. His gaze is unfocused and he barely seems to recognise him.

"I'm... I'm here. Are you-" _okay? That's a stupid question, of course he's not._ "Is there something I can do? You can tell me if something has happened."

_This is not appropriate, but neither is his appearance. I cannot let anyone see him like this._

"They-. We'll-. S-. Knows. He knows, he knows, he knows. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

"Who knows?"

"He knows. They know. They know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"

"Shuu-sama, please, what do they know?" He's getting aggravated, being given no clear answers.

"I thought I could trust him. I thought-. Kana- e-kun, I was wrong. I should've listened to mother. I should've-"

He can't take it anymore.

"Just tell me who and what, goddamn it!"

His master closes his mouth at the abrupt outburst. He himself flinches at his loud voice and harsh words. That was not what he was supposed to do at all. No matter how young he is, his actions are unforgivable.

"I- I'm so sorry, Shuu-sama, that was completely out of line of me. I shouldn't have said that-"

He receives no answer, but as seconds pass, a hand weakly wraps around his forearm.

"It's..." His master says quietly, almost a whisper. "It's... Okay."

He stares before him with his fists clenched tightly. Minutes pass as he waits for something to happen.

"Kanae... -kun. The... The dov- the doves. Where? Did they..?"

"Doves?"

"Where did they go?"

There shouldn't have been any doves on the grounds. At least without every ghoul knowing that there had been some. Word of a single dove even close to the perimetre should've travelled throughout the estate in a few seconds.

"What doves do you mean, Shuu-sama? Did you see them?"

It would be bad if doves had managed to sneak into the property. The whole surrounding area should be under surveillance, and if there was a hole...

"The footsteps, they- they were so loud, and- and- and the shouts. They shouted so much! Did you not hear?"

_Oh._

"Shuu-sama, there were no doves. You... You were the only one screaming."

"Huh?" he voices his confusion. "But.. The footsteps?"

He shakes his head. A small sigh slips through, as he realises that they aren't in any immediate danger.

"No, I don't know what you heard, but they weren't footsteps. Please, your parents want to see you tonight. We need to get you into a more... Presentable condition."

He helps his master, pulling him up from his arms. The small movement is enough for him to get another whiff of the pungent smell. He needs to get him cleaned up and dressed, before someone else is sent for them.

“My… No. I’m not going.”

He’s quite used to his master eccentric and fragile personality, so finding him in such a condition was not a genuine surprise. After all, he had expected that something could still go wrong after finding him collapsed outside an unfamiliar mediocre apartment building four days ago, after being called to come pick him up. But he has never refused to see his parents, not even when they’ve last left on unfriendly terms.

“Shuu-…” The rest of the name dies on his lips. He takes a quick breath in, steeling himself to sway his master’s mind. “Please, you need to eat something. It’s been too long since your last meal.”

He receives no answer. If he cannot persuade him to go see his parents, he must make it his priority to ensure he’s well fed. Kneeling next to the bed, he tries the one thing he can think of:

“Would you like to cook something? With me? I promise I’ll do better this time.”

He watches his face closely, hoping that the rejecting gurn would fade away. It takes a long while, but slowly it morphs to a renounced, faint smile.

“I yield, but you better keep your promise, Kanae-kun.”

 

The streets are crowded with after-six rush. The sun is setting soon, but it’s still bright out, enough so the lampposts remain unlit. There is no true direction they’re heading towards, wandering through the streets to kill time. Both of them silently agree that they’re moving as soon as Touka gives them the address.

“...If she gives it.”

“Hm? You say something?” asks Hide, turning his head towards Kaneki. He’s so distraught he doesn’t realise he’s spoken his thoughts out loud at first.

“Ah, it’s nothing!”

Hide gives him a gentle nudge to his side. Kaneki grunts.

“I was just thinking if Touka-chan will actually give that address. I mean, what if she doesn’t? What then?”

Hide shrugs, turning towards a street leading to a food court in a shopping mall. The smell makes him salivate like a dog. He hasn’t eaten anything since lunch.

“I dunno, but I can’t think with an empty stomach. I wonder if they have something on sale…”

Kaneki dodges a rowdy group of high schoolers, trying to keep up with Hide, who’s picked up the pace. As soon as he catches up, he continues where they left off:

“I don’t think we can find the address from a phone book or online. It’s private property and it might not show up.”

Kaneki reaches out a hand to grab onto Hide’s jacket to not lose him in the crowd. Hide turns his head to remind him over his shoulder:

“Food first, brainstorm second! Okay?”

Kaneki says silent, following Hide through the various stalls. Hide’s head keeps popping up and down, trying to spot something for himself to eat. If they need to move quick, it needs to be something easy to eat and good enough to fill him up for the rest of the night. It’s a wonder how he’s managed to keep his appetite in this stressful situation.

He stops in front of a meat bun food stall so abruptly, that Kaneki accidentally smashes his nose into the back for Hide’s head.

“Ah, sorry, Kaneki,” he apologises while staring at the steaming hot pastries. “Excuse me! One of those, please!” He points at the one he wants before fishing out his money.

“Anything for you, boy?” The shopkeeper asks Kaneki, but he politely declines. Hide takes the wrapped bun and offers the money, leaving the difference as a tip. He holds his meal in one hand, while his other reaches towards Kaneki’s. With all these people, no one will notice, and the little bit of extra comfort is welcome to both of them.

 

"Hold these," his master says, as he places several enormous glass jars in his arms from a cupboard he's seen being used only once before. The contents of the jars still look odd to him. He recognises the natural white powder as bone dust, dark brown powder as dried blood, the yellow goo as fat, but the rest he doesn’t remember. His master holds a rack of several smaller ones with powders and goos of various colours and shades.

“What are we doing today? The meat pie you mentioned last?” He receives a positive hum instead of a verbal answer.

"And are these... Special ingredients of some sort?" His master nods with a small smile.

"Very clever of you. Come, set them on the counter."

"What are they for, Shuu-sama? Why are they separate from the normal ingredients?" He doesn’t think he’s seen them last time. Their first attempt at cooking together had been just a simple steak and bone dust mash pancakes. This meat pie seems much more complicated than that.

"So many questions today, Kanae-kun," he taunts, and even if it’s kindhearted, it irritates Kanae beyond belief. Seeing his expression, his master apologises with a hint of laugh:

"Forgive my teasing. Your questions are justified, but I couldn't help myself. They’re mostly to add flavour or to help with the consistency."

_But is a meat pie possible? Will we use the bone dust as flours? But what about the meat? Won’t it end up very dry or greasy with what we’ve got?_ He doesn't voice his questions. He doesn't want to get teased again. He simply nods, trying to figure out the answers on his own.

 

Tsukiyama hasn't explained anything besides what he wishes Kanae to do. He senses Kanae’s frustration, but when he’s ordered to marinate the meat, he concentrates so hard he forgets about the questions. The narrowed eyes and a small pout are delight to see after such a horrid couple of days. Kanae might've grown up from the small child half Tsukiyama’s size, but he still has his moments where his age shows. _He’s still so young. And so impatient._

“Shuu-sama, are you sure this won’t foul the meat?” Kanae looks at the salt grinder in suspicion. The loin is high quality; making it into minced meat is already a waste to him, never mind mixing it with human ingredients. And it’s obvious the blood-flaked fat isn’t an easy ingredient to come by, thus leaving him reluctant to go by his master’s advice.

“Hm? Oh, it’s fine. Just like water, it’s inorganic which makes it possible for us to digest. Although it has to be absolutely pure, which makes it harder to find.”

“I see...” Kanae mutters, still not convinced. Tsukiyama kneads the bone dust into the purified fat with steady movements. It’s menial work, just the kind that allows your thoughts to run wild.

The screams and footsteps. Where had they come from? Kanae had said he was the only one screaming. Had that really been his own voice? Had the footsteps been his imaging, or something he had mistaken as well?

The dough is beginning to smoothen out, the lumps of fat absorbing the dust into it. He squashes the clumps that have formed between his fingers.

Was Kaneki still allowing Hide to stay at the apartment? He hadn’t looked at his phone the whole time he had been home. When he thinks about it, he doesn’t even know where it is.

He raises the whole lump up, smashing it down on the counter, over and over and over again.

What are they doing? Is Kaneki still going to classes? The fridge was half-empty when he had left. He might not be ready to go hunting.

He splits the dough in two. One is rolled out into a circle, and the is placed into the pan. His fingers push the dough against the sides, and he taps the edges to make sure it’s even on the rim.

Was Hide..?

He checks the bottom of the pie. It should be thick enough as he can’t see the pan anymore. Or then he can’t see through the tears in his eyes. Everything looks a bit blurry.

“The meat is ready. Shuu-sama?”

He clears his throat, blinking the drops away. It’s like the air has gotten thicker; it’s hard to breathe. He gulps it down, nevertheless, keeping himself composed.

“Yes, thank you. Now you just spoon it all, and I’ll put the topping on… And then to the oven!” He tries to sound even remotely excited. He likes cooking. He’s liked cooking ever since he learned that a gourmet should know how his meals are made.

Kanae is hesitant when moving the filling into the pie, constantly glancing at him. Tsukiyama places the rolled dough on top, squishing the seams shut. Two slashes to keep it from bursting in the heat, and it’s ready for baking.

_Hide-kun._

He sits down on a kitchen stool, leaning his elbows on his knees, staring at the pie. The dim light of the oven makes his eyes hurt. He doesn’t want to confess his mistakes, but he needs to get the words out.

“Kanae-kun,” he calls out, to catch the other’s attention. He needn’t to do so, though, as Kanae’s standing right next to him, facing him with a sturdy expression. He’s been putting this off long enough.

“I told someone, out of my own volition,” he begins. How he’s supposed to talk about the issues he has, he doesn’t know. “I told someone about my identity.”

“Shuu-sama…” Kanae interjects, too shocked to actually continue. He knows his master is a trusting person, sometimes to fault. When someone finds out about a ghoul’s identity, it’s never a happy story.

“And he works for the CCG.”

It always ends in a tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice… Nice Tokyo Ghoul references there. Uh. No totally happy with this but… It’s better to move on than keep on editing this ish over and over. I mean, this did end up way longer than it should’ve; one oneshot and porn was the idea. Now look at it. Third snippet and we still ain’t there, in the smutty main meal. Next update should come out faster, if there are no real life complications.  
> Please keep on nitpicking on my writing. I need to get better. SOON.  
> Writing tumblr: prettywordsforprettybirds   
> Personal tumblr: buttfultsukineki


	3. 2.5.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what? i’m late? yea. i am.   
> writing fics is like cutting a tomato. this time, i didn’t have such a sharp knife. and so the tomato got butchered.   
> Okay let’s do this! Ehem. THANK YOU. Thank you, you. Over there. At the other screen. Thank you for sticking by. Thanks for each and every kudos, comment, bookmark, ask, reblog, like, tag and read. This project has allowed me to develop as a writer quite a lot. (If you think I’m still low level, oh boy, you should’ve seen me when I was fifteen. :^) those were some times.) It’s also made me realise how bad I am at fixing sudden problems.  
> Fear not friends, this is not the end. To erase this final chapter's bitter taste, have some porn in a separate one shot, if you like.  
> Double-updates yo.

The greasy pastry is burning his fingertips even through the wrapping, but the centre is solid ice. It must’ve been a frozen product, but for his whole life Hide’s been bad at telling just from the looks of things if they’re factory produced. At least next time he knows not to buy from the same vendor.

Kaneki tugs on Hide’s fingers that he’s holding tightly.

“Can we sit down? We've been walking for so long and my feet hurt. I think my shoes are the wrong size…”

“Hm?” Hide sounds while taking a bite from the crust. He swallows before talking. “Yeah, sure."

They sit down on the edge of the wide stone steps to the mall. There's still a lot of traffic, but they aren't in anyone's way, at least not right now.

Kaneki immediately kicks off his shoes, wiggling his toes. The shoes are definitely the wrong size, if the huge blisters on his smallest toes are anything to go by. Shopping for clothes hasn't been on the top of his list for a very long time. He should've gone with Tsukiyama, instead of letting him just guess what fits him, but instead he had holed up in the apartment like he had for months. He hasn't accomplished much in the last few months, has he? Nevertheless, exhaustion creeps up his spine, and he massages his temple.

Hide avoids the centre while eating; even if he's fine with lukewarm filling, he'd rather not bite into the ice cube lurking inside. _I wonder how long it'd take for it to melt_ , he thinks, weighing the pros and cons of waiting for it to become edible. He watches the masses of people trickle past them, so agonisingly slow. He wants to check the time, but he knows it's ticking even slower than the walking pace of the people. He doesn't want to be the annoying guy who checks his phone every five seconds for a text he's waiting for.

He's fiddling with Kaneki's fingers, and he knows it must be pissing him off, but the hand doesn't pull away. He doesn't have to be the annoying guy jiggling his leg either, when he has Kaneki's fingers to play with.

"Hide, just chill out for a second."

"You know I'm bad at short term waiting games," he tries to explain himself, but Kaneki doesn't budge on the subject and keeps staring at him. Hide groans, looks at his almost completely eaten pastry and crushes the wrapping around it. It isn't that good anyway. He places the trash next to him, replacing it with Kaneki's hand in between his palms.

“I’m chill. Chiller than the wind. Ice cold. I’m literally a popsicle.”

“Mmhmm,” Kaneki hums, rubbing his thumb along the side of Hide’s palm.

“Shaved ice,” he continues. It’s complete nonsense what he’s saying, but it’s taking his mind off of things, giving him a moment to relax. At least until the tiny bling in his pocket.

He immediately lets go of Kaneki’s hands, shoving one in his jacket pocket, cursing at how the phone is wrapped in the fabric. He huffs when he looks at the screen; a text from an unknown number, a picture of a fancy old card with driving instructions on it.

“She found it. She found it, holy-,” Hide sighs, leaning his forehead on Kaneki’s shoulder for just a minute. He takes a deep breath, straightens his back and checks the address again.

“It’s pretty far. Maybe a two hour bike ride. You up for that?”

Kaneki shoots him a look of incredulity.

“Would I really let you go alone?”

Hide sneers shortly, before admitting:

“Yeah, that was a dumb question. Nothing more to do, so we might as well get going.”

 

Silverware clinks against the fine china plates. Kanae cuts another piece of the piece of pie, trying his best to appreciate the culinary experience gets to share with his master. He hasn’t dared to speak of the confession he has heard, rather avoiding it by shifting his attention to the afterwork in the kitchen.

His master shows absolutely no increase in appetite, nibbling his food with a blank stare directed at his plate. His shoulders are sagging and his posture is similar to a soggy macaroni. Just looking at him in this miserable state makes Kanae want to scream his lungs out.

His heart is beating in his chest as he tries to gather the courage to ask what his master plans to do. He feels a bit woozy as he opens his mouth:

“E-”

“I don’t know what to do, Kanae-kun,” Tsukiyama interrupts him, completely oblivious he even has. Kanae promptly shuts his mouth, pretending like he never even opened it in the first place. “To everyone else it’s obvious I should’ve killed him right where he stood, but I couldn’t, and it’s been several days, and Kaneki-kun- I don’t know where he is either and-. My heart is in disarray!”  
Tsukiyama drops the cutlery on the plate, rubbing his face furiously with his hands.

“Even if I saw him again, I wouldn’t able to do it. I could never kill him.” Kanae furrows his brows, cocking his head becoming disgruntled with Tsukiyama’s inability to take necessary action.

“Why not?” Tsukiyama smiles, soft, weak and sad.

“Because… I fell in love with him. And now I am completely at his mercy. I’m sorry, Kanae-kun. I endangered everyone’s identities. Including yours.”

“Oh,” Kanae sounds, finally understanding the earlier screaming and begging for forgiveness. No wonder his master hadn’t wanted to see his parents.

He’s not exactly upset, having a rather hard time digesting the newly revealed information in the first place. He’s curious, though, about the future.

“Then what do you plan to do next? Will you tell your parents?” It’s the most logical step, having them take care of the mess, even if it ends up in a serious scolding. Kanae knows he might end up being reprimanded as well, for not keeping a close enough eye on his master.

Tsukiyama picks his fork and knife back up again, cutting a neat piece.

“No other option, is there,” he admits reluctantly and chews down his food. “I’ll… Do it tomorrow. I need time to think how to explain.”

 

The wheels whir as the bike carries them through the darkening streets. Shops are closing their doors one by one, ushering the last of their customers outside, while bars and clubs open their doors to welcome them in. Kaneki cannot remember the last time he’s stayed out this late. Hide pedals with rekindled fervour, which leaves Kaneki feeling guilty as he sits on the carrier, legs dangling on the sides and hands wrapped around Hide’s waist.

“I’m disappointed in myself,” Kaneki confesses to the back in front of him. Hide stays silent, keeping their pace steady. Kaneki leans his head against his shoulder.

“I didn’t try to make him stay. I wanted to avoid conflict, thinking I could let you take care of it. Like it didn’t concern me. Like I couldn’t do anything. I told him to listen to you, but when he said no, I instantly backed down. I’m a coward. A fucking coward.”

Hide brakes, stopping at the red light. Kaneki looks to the side, at the people walking on the sidewalk, quietly wondering if any of them have felt as empty as he does. His chest is hollow, like the insides have been carved out carefully. Waves of pain go through him, like cold wind blowing through, bringing the tiniest drops of tears in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Hide agrees. “You are a coward,” His words are quiet but clear. A stronger gust blows through Kaneki. He’d most likely throw up if he had eaten something today.

Hide kicks the bike moving again, pushing the pedals down with his weight to gain back the speed. Kaneki holds onto him tighter to keep himself from falling off in the bumps. Hide continues after a long silence:

“But that doesn’t mean you always have to be.”

It takes a while, but Kaneki ends up laughing.

“You expect me to turn from a coward into Tsukiyama-san’s hero during this ride? Good joke, Hide.”

“I don’t mean right now. Just over time.”

“Yeah,” Kaneki says, not really believing the words leaving his mouth. “One day.”

 

Even if he clearly doesn’t want to, Kanae forces his master to down even the last crumbs of the pie from his plate before even allowing him to move from his seat. Being stern is something that leaves his heart still pounding in fear and anxiety, but if his voice cracks and he stutters, Tsukiyama kindly enough doesn’t comment on it. But as soon as the plate before him is clean, he excuses himself.

“I’ll be retiring to my room now. I’m truly sorry, Kanae-kun. I promise I’ll make amends with all of you.”

Kanae stands still, watching after his retreating back. The door closes, and every emotion he’s held off in his confused heart until then comes in one huge wave, leaving him gasping. His knees feel weak and his trembling hands hold on to the table. A single tear drops on the wooden surface. He can feel his chest cramping, and a hiccup shakes his whole body.

“Warum? Warum passiert das? Nicht nochmal, bitte, Gott, nicht nochmal.”

He grits his teeth, feeling how they’re about to chip. He will not allow this to happen. He will kill the one who betrayed his master’s trust.

“‘Kaneki-kun’… Isn’t the right one, but he knows him? I’ll find him and make him talk. If Shuu-sama isn’t able to kill him, I’ll do it for him. Shuu-sama… You’re always too kind towards humans.”

With quivering legs he leaves the kitchen, hoping he’ll find what he’s looking for in time.

 

The Tsukiyama manor is straight out of historical novels; large windows with carefully crafted window frames, a dazing fragrance coming from the surrounding garden, a tall fence and a gate made of black iron standing in their way. Hide stops his bike before it, looking for any device to announce their presence. A small metal box attached to the fence cracks twice.

“Good evening. You have reached the Tsukiyama manor. How may I be of assistance?” says a pleasant voice, patiently waiting for them. Hide tries to think what to answer, but Kaneki beats him to it before he even has his mouth open:

“My name is Kaneki Ken, and this is Nagachika Hideyoshi. We’d like to see Tsukiyama Shuu, please. We are his friends.”

The line cuts off for ten seconds, and Hide’s about to beg them to let them in. A relieved sigh escapes him when the gate’s lock clicks open, and the bars are pulled aside. The radio cracks again, and the voice welcomes them:

“Welcome to the Tsukiyama family manor, Kaneki-sama, Nagachika-sama. We will have someone waiting for you at the main door. We hope you enjoy your visit.”

“Thank you.”

“Uh, thanks,” Hide repeats after Kaneki, a bit put off by how easily they’re let in. He kicks his bike moving, pace slow as they move through the front garden. Kaneki spots the CCTV following them in the shadows of the fence but decides to say nothing. They’re nothing out of the ordinary in such a place, or so he reasons.

The yard’s lampposts light up on their side, guiding their way on the dark path. At the end of the road they hop off Hide’s bike and climb up the stone steps to the great main doors. The wood is hard under Hide’s knuckles when he presses them on it, gathering his courage to knock.

Kaneki looks at the last rays of the sun behind them, hoping the gnawing feeling inside him will truly disappear behind these doors. For a second he wonders if someone has already been sent for them when he hears stomping on the other side of the door, but the door swings recklessly towards them. The edge bangs against Hide’s knuckles, but Kaneki pulls him away from his shoulder before it completely crashes against his face.

In the doorframe a glare is melting into surprise, and Kaneki feels slightly disoriented by the sight.

_Tsukiya-? Who-?_ he wonders, as he stares a frighteningly similar looking person, standing in front of them, clearly not having expected someone to be standing behind the door.

“Um,” he manages to say to the younger, shorter version of the man he knows.

“Wer zur Hölle seid ihr?” the boy blurts out, his high voice cracking at the start of his inquiry. _A younger, more_ authentically _European version of Tsukiyama_ , he thinks, if his knowledge on European languages are anything to go by. The boy is blushing and cursing quietly under his breath, but gathers himself quickly.

“Who are you, and what is your business here?” he snaps at them, but before neither Kaneki nor Hide can answer the familiar voice from the intercom calls out to them:

“Excuse me, Kanae-sama? I came here for Shuu-sama’s guests but I see you’ve already met them,” the woman seems apologetic, but remains her professional attitude, turning her attention towards them. “Nagachika-sama, Kaneki-sama, if you allow me, I’ll take you to Shuu-sama’s room. I’m sure he’ll be glad to have visitors.”

_Kane-?_ Kanae doesn’t even have the time to finish his thought before he holds up a hand to stop the servant from moving from her spot. “You’re Kaneki? Then you know the rat who betrayed Shuu-sama?”

Kaneki freezes mid-step. His eyes start towards Hide, but he turns his head away from him, meeting Kanae face to face. His heart is beating loudly, and he fears Kanae is able to hear it.

“I-I,” he scratches his chin trying to figure out how to successfully deceive the boy, but Hide stops him with a small, inconspicuous touch to his lower back.

“What do you mean?” Hide asks, gentle and friendly voice carrying his words. Kanae opens his mouth, but he cannot tell for certain if this human is actually aware of his master’s true identity. He closes his mouth, opens it again only to close it for a final decision not to push his luck and have the two suspect anything.

“Nevermind. Please keep your visit brief, my master is still plagued by fatigue. He needs all the rest he can get.” He offers curt nods to all of them and takes his leave. He’ll find the culprit to his master’s current troubles by other means.

Hide releases the breath he’s been holding, as silently as possible. He takes a step towards the woman, who is still patiently waiting for them to be ready to move. She turns away, heading towards the large stairway at the other end of the entrance hall.

Hide taps Kaneki on the shoulder. Kaneki blinks, eyeing his surroundings in confusion. Hide nods towards the woman leading the way, as she shows no sign of stopping once she’s on the move.

Kaneki takes one last glance at the closed main door.

_Everything is fine._

 

Nothing, _nothing_ is fine. Tsukiyama groans in the darkness of his room, holding his midsection. He needs to keep his food down. He heaves and huffs while standing in the middle of the floor, hoping the spell of nausea is broken soon.

He can hear footsteps outside his door. _I told Kanae I’d be retiring for the night, so why is he following?_ He’s feeling dizzier by the second. It’s almost like there are multiple footsteps.

_Tap, tap. Another episode?_ he briefly wonders to himself, crouching down. The added pressure is helping. He says nothing when the door opens, a blindingly bright pillar of light reaching his toes. Someone stands in the doorframe, looking around.

“Excuse me?”

_You’re excused to leave._ Tsukiyama chuckles weakly at his own joke. Hide doesn’t seem to appreciate his humour, though. _A real shame._

“Tsukiyama, what are you doing on the floor?” Hide closes the door, something that Tsukiyama appreciates greatly, as the glaring light had been shining right into his eyes.

“Various things, Hide-kun. I see you’ve made it to my home. Should I be welcoming you as the host of your visit or be jumping out of the window into the warm embrace of CCG’s quinques?” His stomach twists again, but he attempts to keep his appearances up to the best of his abilities. Hide has the decency to look abashed, even if it’s mild.

“I came to talk to you, so I’d prefer you to not jump out of the window.”

“Alone? Quite daring of you, considering the circumstances.”

“Oh, well actually I have Kaneki with me.” Hide keeps his distance. Instead of going over to the crouching figure, he makes his way to the small table with three chair and sits down.

“Kaneki-kun came along with you?” There’s a painful jab in his gut. Tsukiyama closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath, waiting for it to pass. “Where is he now?”

“Outside. He insisted I should talk to you first, alone,” Hide explains, leaning his cheek on his hand. _He begged me to not force him to come. He’s ashamed to see you._ He keeps his thoughts to himself.

“Ah. Well then.” Tsukiyama’s touched by them coming to him, even if he’s only talking to Hide. He hopes Kaneki isn’t worrying too much. Thinking about him fondly eases the pain.

He stands up, unsteady and his legs quivering, as he makes his way to the table to sit down with Hide. “You wished to talk with me.”

“Yeah,” Hide agrees. He believes there is no better way than to simply take the bull right on the horns in this situation.

“Shuu, I’m not gonna rat you out.”

The use of his first name doesn't go unnoticed.

“That is quite a bold statement. Is there any reason for me to believe you tell me the truth. And even if it’s true now, will it hold true in the future? What do you have that you can offer me for you to gain my trust?”

Hide considers his options. He doesn’t have a good set of lies to fool Tsukiyama with. His best bet is to go by the truth, than making some on the fly.

“Nothing. I’ve got nothing. I will never have anything. You see..." Hide turns to face him. "Holding my family hostage, having me at gunpoint, none of it matters if I manage to slip a word to the CCG. You know that. I know that. But I won’t do it, because that would mean I’d lose the two people I love.”

“Hide, my dear…” Tsukiyama shakes his head gravely. “My love. For you it is two people you lose if you reveal my identity. But for me, it means my whole family. Anyone who has or is close to the ones holding the Tsukiyama family name; employees, business partners, friends, relatives. Trusting you means endangering hundreds of people. Not just ghouls, but humans. Those who have stayed silent, those who have turned a blind eye, even those who have been oblivious can be outcast from society if it so decides.”

Hide nods.

“I know. It is huge risk for you to take. But I want you to trust me. I want you to take that risk."

“That is quite selfish of you.” Tsukiyama watches him grin weakly.

“I know. Never claimed not to be.” He shifts forward on his chair.

“I want you to trust me. I need you to trust me, even if you can’t base it on anything. I need to make things right.”

Tsukiyama averts his gaze to his lap. He’s not ready to make the decision. Derailing the conversation for a brief moment is a necessity for him to find the end of his string of thought.

“Kaneki-kun still puts all of his trust in you?”

Hide’s body slumps onto the table.

“Yeah. For better or for worse.”

“You do not believe he should trust you?” He wants Tsukiyama to trust him, but Kaneki to distrust him? It sounds contradictory to him.

“Honestly? I haven’t the slightest idea. His trust is so unconditional that it makes me doubt myself. Like, if I told him to jump in a well, he’d do it.” Hide cracks a fond smile over the table. Tsukiyama cannot help but return it. He finds the statement very true.

“Maybe that’s why it makes me feel at ease when you’re around. You listen to me, but you also listen to yourself.”

“You find my independency reassuring, then?”

“Yeah.”

A short-lived smile appears on Tsukiyama’s lips.

“I wonder…”

“Hm?”

“Do I only seem independent or have I truly reached independency early on? I feel no different from five, ten years ago. If independency is what I feel, then it’s very lonely.”

Hide considers his words.

“No, I don’t think that is what independency is. But you don’t have to be lonely, y’know?” he says, hinting at his offer. Trusting him to erase his loneliness.

Tsukiyama looks at Hide, contemplating what he’s offering. Everything he’s ever wanted. It’s right in front of him, within his grasp. To let go of his fear and take a massive risk; he did it when he became the Gourmet, allowing the CCG to make a clear profile on him. It had not brought him what he had craved, but he’s given the choice to take the chance once more.

He thinks he’s made the right choice when he nods at Hide in approvement.

 

“I’m glad you worked it out,” Kaneki smiles when he sees him coming out of the dark room, but Hide sees it lacking honesty. It’s very close to the real one, scarily so. If he had been distracted, would he have noticed the difference?

“You really saved him. I heard the people talk about him screaming… From nightmares. You gave him such a fright back then.”

Kaneki doesn’t look back up at him, turning his attention to the group of servants hurrying down the hallway they had come through. They scuttle like ants, dividing work as they move. So purposeful.

Kaneki sits back down on the large niche by the window, staring at the tapestry before him. Hide tries to find the words, but they stay unwilling to emerge, and he sits down next to Kaneki. They stay there, waiting for something to happen.

_It’s late. Really, really late_ , realises Hide, when actually checking the time from his phone. They’ve almost stayed an hour and the clock is turning two in the morning.

“Do you wanna go home? It’s pretty late.”

Kaneki leans back, slumping in his seat, like Hide’s words sucked out the last of his energy.

“I don’t think I can stay awake all the way on another bike ride.”

“You think we can bum a ride? I mean we did sort of snap their master out of a serious daze.”

“You did.” Kaneki’s words come out harsher than he means them to. He clears his throat, embarrassed from his lack of self-control. “You did it.”

“You don’t think having you here had any effect?”

“Did it?” Kaneki’s frustration glows through the thinly veiled tone. He sighs and gives in to his emotions, allowing them to control his words and actions. “Hide, I didn’t even see him. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t do anything. It was all you. You’re the hero in these situations, and I’m the one causing the problems for you to solve.”

“Ka-”

“Do not ‘Kaneki’ me, Hide, you know it’s true, and I’m sick of it. I don’t want to hurt the people I love, I want them to live long, happy lives, and not have to deal with a fuck up like me.”

“Then don’t make them deal with a fuck up.” Hide’s words cut in harshly. “If you don’t want us to deal with a fuck up, stop being one. Kaneki, the one calling you a mistake is you. You’ve made mistakes. Bad ones. Letting Tsukiyama brood away alone was a mistake on both of our parts. But you can make up for it. That’s why mistakes are okay, no matter how bad. A person is not a mistake. You have to take responsibility for what you do, and try to make it up to people when you hurt them. Don’t be a coward; don’t blame your mistakes on fate, or say they happen because you are one.

I know it hurts, but that’s why I’m here. And Tsukiyama. You haven’t scared either of us off yet.”

“And when I do; what then?”

Hide feels the frustration bubbling in him. Kaneki’s being just so _stubborn_.

“We cross that bridge when it comes, if it comes. And I honestly doubt it won't. Okay?”

Kaneki grumbles at his dismissing answer, about to argue, but Hide stops him, too tired to continue this argument. It’s not something they’ll fix in a day. Or a night for that matter.

“I changed my mind, we’ll just find a couch or something and crash here. This place is huge, I’m sure they won’t mind. I mean, you should’ve seen Tsukiyama’s bed, it was enormous.”

Hide slips his hand around Kaneki’s waist, who reluctantly allows himself to be guided him further into the manor. The tense air between them is slowly dissipating. Hide mutters under his breath:

“Maybe he’s compensating…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (written in the middle of writing this:) LAST. WORDS. FINISHED. FIRST. no, honestly, I just want to update this right now, as it is, last scene being the only one finished.   
> even in the middle of this process, i can say this is written with hate in the heart, because finishing projects and fixing surprising problems is a pain I would rather not deal with.   
> Thank you Cazwell for getting me this far.   
> (written after finishing this:) Done, finally. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, expected the quality would be lower than shit. But it’s… A bit above shit.  
> For the German you can thank that-stuffy-stuff on tumblr! Not only did ya translate, you had the patience to wait for me to work with links. You are so awesome. Thank you.  
> Personal Tumblr: buttfultsukineki  
> Writing Tumblr: prettywordsforprettybirds where I cry over TsukiHide. And do lil’ drabbles and ish.   
> (Honestly, while writing this TsukiHideKane, I’ve been spitting out a lot of thoughts for TsukiHide. Next big project is the Red vs. Blue (the one and only by Roosterteeth) HideKane AU I have the plot written out for. Let's hope that goes even better than this one.)


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